Well meaning words, gone awry

I just read of the recent announcement that the Duggar family lost baby #20 to miscarriage.  It is sad news to many of us.  It is not uncommon for us to feel sad for the loss of a child, in utero or otherwise.  Their family is in my thoughts and in my prayers.  They are surely going through a difficult time.  I am so very sorry for their loss.

I can understand the outpouring of sympathy, comfort, encouragement and kind words that many want to give to the family in this upsetting time.  What I DON'T understand is why people say some of the most hurtful things, thinking they are being supportive.  Many of these people don't INTEND to be hurtful, but when people don't know what to say, they often say the wrong thing.

When my son Daniel was stillborn, we had much support from family and friends.  They prayed for us, stopped by to visit, brought us meals.  It was so helpful to have so many hands doing their best to ease our suffering.  And suffering is the best word I can use to describe how we were feeling.  However, I experienced first hand how some of the most well meaning friends, family and even complete strangers will offer up words of 'comfort' that can really sting.

"This too, shall pass." - Oh yeah?  If it's going to pass so easily that you felt the need to tell me so, which one of YOUR children would you like to give up and see how easily it 'passes' for you?

"You can always have more children." - Says who?  You don't know that for sure any more than I do.  Only God knows how many children I can give birth to.  Don't make promises you have no way of keeping.

"The Lord gives and the Lord takes away." - WHAT?!?!?  I don't have any more to say about that one...

The list goes on and on.  These comments were said with the best of intentions.  They were said by people who have children and by some who don't.  They were NOT said, however, by anyone who had ever lost a child of their own, as they would have known the destruction these comments can cause.

Regarding the Duggars, on facebook I have seen a number of comments that go something like this:  "I am sorry for their loss, maybe they should take this as a sign that they shouldn't have any more children."  or "I am sorry for their loss, but I hope they get the message."

Who are we to decide how many children a family should have?  Certainly we cannot make that judgement call for a family where the children are obviously so well loved and cared for.  It's none of our business how many children they chose to have and support.  I can only imagine how hurtful these words are to the Duggar family.  Well meaning or not, these words can slice to the core and should not be said, ESPECIALLY during a time of loss.

The best advice I ever heard, I actually overheard of friend of mine telling another friend.  My friend "B" lost multiple children.  She was explaining to a well meaning friend that the words she chose to use to comfort B were not comforting, but actually quite inappropriate and hurtful.  The friend stated she really didn't know what to say, but she certainly didn't mean to be hurtful.  B told her friend, if you don't know what to say, don't say anything at all.

I have to agree.  If you are trying to offer condolences to a friend for a situation you have never personally been exposed to, do just that, offer condolences and then keep your mouth closed.  A simple, "I am so sorry for your loss.  Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help." goes a long way.  Let the ones who have been there offer up any advice, when asked.

Just my two cents.

Duggar family, I am so sorry for your loss.  You are in my thoughts and prayers.