I had the opportunity to give my testimony at my MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) 'Tea and Testimony' meeting back in April. I thought I should probably post it here as it is such an important part of who I am and how I see the world. So, it's quite lengthy, I understand if you don't read it all! But here it is...
I have heard MANY testimonies in my lifetime and I have always thought to myself, “I can't get up in front of people and give MY testimony, my life is boring. I didn't overcome an abusive situation. I didn't overcome a drug or alcohol addiction. I have always been a relatively ‘good girl’. I haven't accomplished great and hugely wonderful things for God. I'm just...me.”
I looked up the meaning of the word testimony - “A declaration of truth or fact”. So, I decided to speak to you about my truth. My 2 passions and how they came about. Both of these things I learned as a child as I became at Christian at the age of 7. But it was not until I became a mother however, that these points actually became my passions. I have learned more about being a real follower of Jesus in my 3 short years of being a mother, than in my whole 28 years of being a Christian.
I was raised in a Christian home. My parents were strict disciplinarians, but we always knew they loved us. I am #3 of 4 children. Our family was the one who was at church EVERY time the doors were open. We were there Sunday morning, Sunday night, Wednesday night, the monthly business meeting, my mother’s monthly women’s group, my sister and I were in a weekly girls group called GA’s, on and on and on.
We were blessed to be raised by loving, Christian parents who really had a calling for helping people. I remember when I was young my Dad ALWAYS had people over he was counseling. My mother was often making dinner for someone in the church who had an ailment, just had a baby or simply needed some extra attention. It was part of life and I thought nothing of it, truth be told. I thought that’s what ALL families did.
I was a pretty good kid. I did all the stupid things that kids do and I annoyed my parents PLENTY I am sure, but I was never into drugs or alcohol or sex. I was never openly defiant. I was shy, for the most part and just steered clear of those kinds of things. I was a band geek too...so that made it easy NOT to be invited to parties! : )
When I was 20 I was accepted to Oklahoma Baptist University. I was going to study to be a music teacher. I have always had a passion for music, I can play a couple of instruments, so it just made sense that I follow that lead. Well, due to money constraints, I only got to attend this University for the 1st semester. Did I move back to CA??? Nooooo! As I said, my parents were strict disciplinarians and I wanted OUT OF THE HOUSE!
I lived in OK for 8 years. I did the typical stupid things that college age people do. Nothing drastic. I pursued a career in telecommunications, but I didn’t go to church. I think I can count on two hands the number times I went to church during that 8 year period. MOST of those times was when I came home to visit!
I still prayed. I would start to feel guilty every once in a while and I would read my bible. But that was the extent of it. No real RELATIONSHIP with God. Just pacifying God I guess...didn’t want Him to get TOO upset with me you know?!
With all the training my parents had given, all the time I had spent in church, I didn’t know how to have a RELATIONSHIP with God. It’s like I had nothing in common with Him. We had nothing to talk about. I asked, He gave or He didn’t. That’s it, right?!?!
I eventually moved back to Lodi and started going back to church. Mostly, to be honest, so my parents wouldn’t bug me about it. I was lucky enough to meet and marry a WONDERFUL Christian man who is a spiritual leader of our household. We go to church, we volunteer, that’s just what we do. Still, I didn’t have a relationship, I didn’t really know what that was or how to get it.
It wasn’t until I became a mother, that I really got it.
That brings me to my 2 passions:
Our body is a temple
Be there for one another
For me, at this point in my life, these are VERY near and dear to my heart and I will tell you why...
My first passion: Our body is a temple - 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 tells us “Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own, your were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.”
While I was pregnant with Luke, at around week 20 or so, my blood pressure was becoming a concern. The doctor diagnosed me with PIH (Pregnancy Induced Hypertension). I was told if I couldn’t get it under control it could lead to pre-eclampsia and could cause me to have a premature baby. I was told, delivering the baby was the only way to cure the problem. I was given absolutely NO nutritional advise except, “Watch your salt.”.
Just as the Dr. thought, it did eventually lead to pre-eclampsia and my son Luke was born at 34 weeks gestation. 6 weeks early. God was with him and he only spent 5 days in the NICU and was never on any machines. He was always able to eat and breathe on his own. The most pressing issue was that he was so small he couldn’t control his own body temperature. It was just a waiting game until he could do that on his own.
After I delivered Luke, my blood pressure did not go down as expected. It stayed scary high like 200+ over 130+ YIKES! I was told most likely I would just have high blood pressure for the rest of my life as it runs in my family. The pregnancy was probably just the trigger. I was breastfeeding, so they had me on a rather low dosage of a medication but I had to take 12 of the pills a day and it wasn’t working well. The Dr. kept threatening to make me stop breastfeeding so I could be put on a stronger medication.
When Luke was almost 6 months old, my husband Darren found a book at the Christian book store titled, ‘The Great Physician’s Prescription’ by Jordan Rubin. Darren was having issues with Anxiety Disorder, a pretty bad case of it and was looking for alternative medical answers to his issue as regular medicine was not working for him. We did a 40 day “trial” of what is known as the Levitican diet. The Levitican diet is the diet God gave to the Jews in the Old Testament. It’s basically what most of us know today as a “Whole Food Diet”. No processed food, and other restrictions for reasons unknown to the Jews hundreds of years ago. Science has now discovered why these foods could possibly be bad for our bodies. Things like, no pork. We now know that pork has many toxins and parasites. Many of the parasites are not killed regardless of how well cooked the meat is. No crustaceans. We now know that toxicologists dissect crustacean’s to test the toxicity level of any given area in a body of water. They are little filters who eat the nasty stuff and it stays in their system. I won’t cover the whole diet, but you get the idea.
We did the 40 day trial and both of our symptoms improved drastically. Within 3 months we were both off all medication and have never had to go back!! Who knew, the answer to so many common chronic diseases we face today was addressed by God in the Bible hundreds of years ago?!?!?!
Now, I want to stop here for a moment and provide to you a disclaimer. In no way do I think that following the diet laid out in the Bible is mandatory for Christians. This is simply not true. In Romans 14 it specifically tells us not to judge one another by what a person eats. We choose follow the Levitican diet as a form of our own personal worship to God. God healed us and we have decided to make healthy living a life journey. I often relate it to people in this way; Following the Levitican diet is kind of like reading your car manual. The manufacturer of the car tells you how to maintain the car. You don't HAVE to use premium gasoline. You don't HAVE to change the oil every so many miles. The car will still run. It will just run better and longer, if you follow their instructions.
I can see it already, you are thinking, “I’m never going to invite THEM over for dinner. What if I serve them the wrong food?” People often have this concern. However, as it is stated in the bible in Romans, we will eat whatever is offered to us and are blessed by that family’s hospitality. So if you want to invite us over and feed us bacon...we are HAPPY to oblige! Just because I don’t EAT pork, doesn’t mean I don’t LIKE it!
We aren’t perfect. We fall off the bandwagon just like any of you do. It’s just when WE fall off the bandwagon for any considerable amount of time, the consequences are more dire than just gaining some weight. My blood pressure will start going up again. Both my husband and my son have processed food sensitivities and allergies. For my husband it is MSG (which is in almost everything), artificial sweeteners and food additives. For my son it is pasteurized, homogenized milk and milk products and wheat. When we fall off the bandwagon for a week or two, they suffer reactions to their allergies and we are ALL more prone to become ill.
Through this process, I have learned how to rid our bodies and home of as many toxins as possible. I make 80% of the food we eat and a passion of mine is making homemade household products. We go to the Dr. very rarely. I have learned about Homeopathy and how to treat my family illnesses in that manner. This not only saves us money as we live on only one income, we are honoring God all at the same time!
In becoming a mother, I learned of the way God loves us, His children. There is no way you can understand a parent’s love for a child until you experience it yourself. You can’t explain it to someone. It just can’t be done. This gave me something “in common” with God, I guess. I began to understand why He said and did some of the things we read about in the Bible. He TRULY just wants the best for us. He is not “out to get us” as we thought our parents were when we were teenagers. He is just trying to lead and protect us. Because I love God, I chose to honor Him by treating my body as His temple. This is the way I learned of His love for ME and in turn the love I should have toward others.
That brings us to my other passion: Being there for one another - Galatians 6:2 says “Carry one another’s burdens and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”
The year was 2009. We found out we were pregnant, shortly before Easter. We announced at our family gathering our good news and of course everyone was thrilled! 2 weeks later, at 11 weeks gestation, I had a miscarriage. Now to many of you, that may not seem like a big deal. It happens. It happens OFTEN and to MANY women all the time. I know this and I agree. I don't think my situation was special in any way. But I believe that life starts at conception. I believe I was carrying a BABY. I lost a BABY that day...not just a pregnancy. It hit me pretty hard, but I had a peace given to me from God. He was in control. This is all in His hands and I just needed to trust Him. It was NOT easy, but like most women...I eventually picked up and moved on.
Later that year we found out we were pregnant again! At my 12 week checkup I was told I was carrying TWINS! I could not have been happier, but by the next appointment, I was told that within the last couple of days, one of the twins had spontaneously aborted. I was now in a singleton pregnancy and the remaining baby looked FINE!
I was again told, this happens all the time. It's a perfectly natural thing. This does not mean that there will be any problems with the other baby. Just go home and relax. Well, again I was heartbroken. This time hit me even harder than the last time I think because this was episode #2 and I had another baby to worry about still in my womb. Darren and I prayed about it and we did find peace in the storm. We knew God had it all in his hands and He was in charge. We tried to relax and enjoy the rest of my pregnancy. Well, that didn't work out like we had planned.
My pregnancy was a very difficult one not only emotionally but physically. I will spare you all the details but I was very ill for most of the pregnancy. All my checkups showed the baby doing well and thriving. I was in the emergency room on a couple of occasions throughout the pregnancy, more for my safety than for the baby's. But on January 9th, 2010 I was admitted to the hospital. The umbilical cord had prolapsed. There was very, very little amniotic fluid in my womb. There was still a heartbeat, but the outlook was grim. A few short hours later, my baby boy no longer had a heartbeat. My son Daniel was stillborn the next day, January 10th, 2010. I was numb. All I could think was: This can’t be happening. This isn't happening to me. I am not really holding my dead son in my arms. I am not really going to have to leave this hospital empty handed. What is going on? I thought God had this handled?
Within a couple hours the nursing staff was telling us we were going to have to make a decision about what to do with our son's body. I was dumbfounded!?! The hospital counselor came to our room and explained the options and said she didn't mean to rush us but they had to know within the next couple of hours. Still, I was numb. This was the first time EVER my faith had been tested, I mean REALLY tested. Losing a child is unlike anything you could ever explain to another person. It’s all encompassing. It’s devastating. It can REALLY shake the very beliefs you have always held to be true.
My poor husband Darren did most of the horrible task of walking through all the motions that we were required to do and made the decisions which were required to be made. Then we just held each other and cried for I don't know how long. I had lost so much blood during my pregnancy and during the delivery that I had to stay in the hospital for a little while before they were comfortable releasing me. A typical hemoglobin measurement for a pregnant women is about 13. Anywhere in the level of 7 they will usually preform a blood transfusion. My level was in the 5's right after the delivery. It was up in the 6's when they finally let me leave the hospital but was still dangerously low. They let me go with such a low measurement because my count had been very low throughout my pregnancy due to my complications and my body had somewhat become accustomed to it so I could stand upright and walk around without passing out. I believe this was a blessing from God, I don’t think I could have stayed in that hospital room another minute once I was discharged. He was watching over me.
The next couple of weeks are a blur to me, really. I was either numb or in such emotional pain I couldn't manage. I just remember thinking to myself...there are so many things no one ever tells you about situations like this: No one tells you that your milk will still come in. No one tells you, when you think about your son, your let down reflex will activate. No one tells you about having to wear maternity clothes until you lose your baby weight. No one tells you just seeing or hearing a baby can cause you to have a breakdown. No one tells you how to be a mother to your surviving son while mourning the loss of your deceased one. No one tells you that you still have to pay all the medical bills for a baby you don't get to bring home. No one tells you how to make memorial arrangements for a son you never got to meet. No one tells you that you have to apply for a death certificate.
God had blessed me in that I always had my WONDERFUL husband by my side. He was truly amazing through this whole ordeal. I believe this tragedy made our relationship stronger and more meaningful. This is what it means when you say "for better or for worse". I had my family and friends who really cared about me. My MOPS table leader at the time, LaRee called me, emailed me, sent me text messages. Even though I didn't want to see anyone, she kept letting me know she was here for me and she loved me. She let me know other MOPS Moms were praying for me and cared about me. For a while, coming to MOPS was a NO GO. No way could I walk into a room full of pregnant women and babies. Even if those women were my friends. No WAY! I couldn’t be in public, anywhere. Babies are EVERYWHERE in case you haven’t noticed. The first couple of times I tired to go into a store, I had to turn right back around and go out to my car. It was overwhelming!
God finally showed me step by step how to manage the pain. It started with just being able to get through the day without losing it. God was with us EVERY STEP OF THE WAY. I know this because I never lost my faith in Him. I never wavered. I KNEW He had it handled, of course it didn’t FEEL like it, but deep down inside...I knew. I had a peace I cannot explain. It didn't take the pain away. It didn't even help with the pain. But it DID give me hope. His love was all around me in the people He sent to care for me.
I KNOW I will get to see not only Daniel, but my other 2 angels one day. I WILL get to meet them. Heaven is a REAL place for me. I have 3 children up there WAITING for me. I look FORWARD to it. I don't fear death. I don't WISH for it of course, but I don't fear it.
Slowly but surely I did get out of my house and expose myself to pregnant women and babies. I did come back to MOPS. The moms here were so supportive and loving and respectful. I met my new table leader Autumn at that time and we became fast friends. I thank God for MOPS. I thank God for my church family. God was with me. He didn't take the pain away, he taught me how to deal with it. He didn't explain to me why this happened, he led me to others who have had the same or similar tragedy and allowed me to help them in their darkest hours. He didn't bring my children back to life, but he did give their loss a purpose by helping me help others. I have a heart and an understanding for people who are or who have gone through tragedies such as mine. I can be there to talk with them, cry with them, listen to their anger, listen to their fears and love them.
I do not stand before you today to tell you I am over my children’s deaths. Grief is a sneaky thing. I can be in the grocery store looking at a jar of pickles and it will hit me out of nowhere. I still deal with it every day. Daniel will always be my son and I will always feel his loss and the loss of his siblings, but I do not have to be defined by it.
I am here today because God put people in my life to hold me up, to comfort me, to listen to me, to love me, to SHARE MY BURDEN. I am here today telling you all of this because God loves you and will be there for you and you need to know that.
Being a follower of Christ is a rocky, sometimes painful path lined sparsely with roses, and you can find those roses if you will just let Him show you where they are.
May God bless you. Thank you for listening (reading).
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